Do you like the person you’re living as? Do you like the person you’re becoming? Do you know that person?
I thought I knew who I was, in fact I prided myself in being highly self aware — what I valued, how to love myself, how to be the person I needed to excel in my career AND be happy — but I didn’t.
Knowing that, but not knowing the person I did want to be, is challenging as f*ck. It had me lost.
I also realized the foundational impact this disconnect was having on my career, outlook on life, behavior, and day-to-day wellbeing.
While I haven’t ‘figured it all out’ (do we ever?), it’s been a couple years since I’ve realized what this lack of self-awareness meant for me personally, and in that time I’ve developed insights and perspectives that have been helpful in living a life that’s more true to who I am, in addition to knowing what that life looks like in the first place.
So, in the chance it’s helpful to you, I thought I would share a little about my path to recognizing that, and the steps I’ve been taking to use that recognition to my advantage.
Identity is like purpose: what it is is less important than the fact that you have one, and are proud of it.
“Identity” had always been a fluffy word to me, I didn’t really know what it meant. You are who you are, why do we need to make it more complicated?
I still agree with that perspective, but now a new perspective has been layered in: for a lot of us, me included, ‘who you are’ is shaped less by the person living in your body, and much more by others.
When I think about identity through that lens, it tells me your identity itself is less important than whether or not you’re proud of it, and feel at peace living it.
For me, and I’d argue for many, knowing who that is has been a major part of finding day-to-day inner peace and contentment.
A couple years back I was having difficulty latching onto an identity.
The identity I lost was so concerned with maintaining others’ perception of me which, by the way, was mostly formed in my brain as opposed to reality.
The identity I lost got his self worth through accomplishment, accomplishment through others’ eyes, not his.
And when you’re so accustomed to getting your self-love from others, when you need to give yourself some of that love, I was a deer in the headlights looking elsewhere for guidance.
It got harder before it got easier.
I felt like I didn’t know who I was, which allowed me to lose sight of what made me confident, and capable; it sparked confusion & frustration at almost every turn.
This was a different pain than the pain I get when I don’t achieve something and feel like I’m a garbage human — like I did when I’d lose at dodgeball in third grade, or when I don’t blow expectations out of the water for, well, anything.
This pain was more pain you’d feel when you lose someone, like a friend, but it’s you you’ve lost.
What was the result? An utter lack of confidence, constant hesitation, and a persistent feeling of not being good enough in anything I do.
Rough sleep, poor job performance, wasn’t taking care of my body or mind the way I needed to, it’s all a positive feedback loop.
The worst of it lasted a few months for me, amplified by a particularly challenging work gig I had taken on.
In hindsight, trying to give my all to a cool professional challenge while in the midst of these thoughts felt like making progress on either one was futile.
In hindsight, the work gig is what opened my eyes to these realizations.
I thought I already had myself ‘figured out’, which made me less aware & less capable of handling these thoughts.
In theory I liked to think of myself as having a beginner’s mindset, but in practice I prided myself in having all the answers, which made realizaing I didn’t, even harder.
I think the most surprising part for me was how hard it was to recognize that I wasn’t striving toward a person / life I was excited about.
It’s so normal to be living like that. There’s a part of me that envies those who are able to and be their happiest selves. I can’t.
What’s the impact of these reflections?
Fast forward a couple years to today, I’m still me, I still feel great about myself when I accomplish something and a little (sometimes a lot) shitty when I don’t.
I still feel incapable at times, and I still doubt myself and what I’m doing with my life.
But I’ve learned what those feelings mean, and how to process them like the passing thoughts that they are, as opposed to the end-all and be-all that they used to be.
Stronger counter thoughts
But there’s another guiding, increasingly stronger, voice reminding me that what comprises my self worth is detached from the outcome of whatever I may be taking on at the time.
In fact, in many cases, the outcome of whatever journey we decided to embark on is out of our control, and attempting to control every outcome is a recipe for more stress & worry than is helpful.
The journey is the goal.
Having stronger counter points is how I think about my progress in this arena in general.
Now when an opportunity arises that’s more aligned with the not-self-serving vanity-esque side of me, that part of me still gets fucking excited, but I have stronger filters and counter voices that speak up.
And those counter voices aren’t screaming at me that I’m stupid, rather reminding me that there’s a different, better path forward for me.
And I think an important piece is that I trust those filters & counter points, and I have confidence that they’re helping me strive toward the person I want to be.
If I didn’t, it’d be easy to ignore them.
Identifying & trusting my own standards, and striving toward them
Previously, I’d strive toward the standards I felt other people were setting for me.
The thing is, not only were those external standards typically amplified in my head, it was a moving goal post. You meet one person’s standards, but not another person’s, so whose are you going to side with?
Now, I’ve learned to trust the standards that I set for myself.
And if those don’t meet somebody else’s standards? That’s ok — it’s still interesting data for me — but it’s not catastrophic, and it’s not even an automatic tell that my standards were off track.
It’s a sign that they felt I was off track which, in most cases, has little to no impact on the journey, values, and standards I’ve set for myself.
In closing
I hope my experiences sparked some thoughts for you in a positive way. Obviously I’m a business person and not a professional in this arena, but I’m also a person, and I know how helpful it can be to talk; if you’re looking for somebody, know that my door is open for you. Reach out at alex@alexcartmill.com, via my contact form, socials, or however you can find me and I’ll do my best to support.